Wanting Comfortable (Or not Getting Over It)

First love was hard to get over.

Click Comfortable by John Mayer to listen while you read.

This song described everything so perfectly when M would play it.  I could’ve sworn my ex was singing about me when he’d play this on the guitar so often when we would hang out!  At least, I wanted him to be…

I felt so strongly when I finally realized I was in love for the first time, didn’t you?

 

8-23-07

If he meant what he sang then she’ll finish the last line.

If he knows what she means than it might just be comfy.

If you read between the lines, I swear she’ll write you another.

broken English, stolen love songs,  I’m a waiting blanket;

please give me another.

12-9-07 (Still not over it.)

try and read my mind again-

I said I love you in a sales receipt:

I bought your love

  – cigarette, 3:00am confession

The cost was cheap

  + two years’ interest increases my return

I love you, I said it

return fee = one burning blanket.

Because I forgot to post in January

Courtesy of fanpop.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1/29/11

Quite the month of shit and giggles

Sex and crying (the other way around though chronologically)

And you.  No other real hearts this time.

January. And I think you were kind of pretty

The snow fell hard on you and every morning we got scared of its beauty.

But I like the two hours to sleep in so I’d say “be scared” and then you’d run away

And I started running a little bit to you.  Again.  And..—

Again and.  And—

Again and again and again…

And again.

And…and…and…

And again?

Again(and) again!(and) AGAIN!

…and again.

And—and—and—

Again, and.

Again—again—again

Again.

And—

Snow bites.  All packed and ready to throw.

Snidpits.  We share one color and then I go.

Buttons.  “I had too many, you had three”

Slush boots.  I walked them over, just for me.

All different people but one is me.  January safe in a word, a line, a person; what’s more is still me.

I Want Community

Courtesy of Kings of Convenience

6-6-07

So I want that–

the album art of Kings of Convenience incarnating itself in my disconnected days.

I want the touch of a person beside me breathing,

creating a place where my day to day gets noticed.

Not independent, but connected, wholly needing, completely wanting just to touch, just knowing someone is there, that we care about more then just our “faith”-which has turned so cold in my arms.

Bring me the blanket of broken relationships, the warm tears of connected imperfection

the incomparable beauty of unconditional acceptance,  the real smile in loving the only way we know how.

–Desiring relationship.

Hoping that a genuine relationship is more than just an old wives tale,

Caring more then just the next laugh, or the comfortable flow of non-confrontational conversation.

I want to touch, I want a crash, I want my pieces to be broken and mixed in with yours.

I think the cuts might heal us both.

Stop my individualistic bullshit, I want community.

 

Mistake

5-24-07

I always tell myself live and learn when I make a mistake.

But am I really learning if I keep making the same mistakes?

 

 

Why do I screw up all my relationships up?

or they screw me up.

 

 

I think I forgot how to sit

-the art of doing nothing.

 

 

Come back to me España,

teach me how to listen, how to breath again.

 

 

I’m so picky about my friends

yet I want to be friend with everyone,

why is that?

I’ll keep the parts i like

4-24-07

 

I’ll keep the parts I like,

And leave the parts I don’t.

Keep what I can with me,

I won’t let it be for nothing.

It’ll be quite a bit of something actually.

Just because I need it to be,

Just because I want you to be

Thunder, Rain, and Me

Photo courtesy of Eric Yang (gearpatrol.com).

When I was still in love with Jesus.

5-8-06

Rolling thunder

Turning heart

Tossed up feelings

Growing apart

Lilac rain

Beautiful day

Clouds and lighting

Where do smiles stay?

Half baked laughter

“Did you see what she’s wearing?”

“Oh my gosh Jack and Jill…”

I just can’t care what you’re saying.

Beauty, writing…me

Here I am, content?

Yeah, I think,

maybe.

Here I am,

Just let me be with you.

Here I am

Just let me be me.

Cool wind lick my burning skin.

Tear drops turn into rain,

Cleanse my wondering imagination

Show me where to stop the pain

Show me where I am

..but it’s not that bad

Sometimes I just need a word to rhyme

and the prospects get darker to fill the position.

Methodic, introspective, alone…but not. With you

I’m always with you

You bring the color to my rain drops,

You are the rainbows in my days,

You made the part that no one else sees

You are my sweet smell of rain

The smile of my bright flowers

The love song of my heart.

You let me be me

You understand it all

You show the better ways

You show me the better me

Your words are as sweet as a whisper

I never feel hurt by you; just guided

Just spoken to

Just loved

……just me

happy, contentedly unsatisfied for you, looking, loving:

your smile

your words

your passion

your continuation (faithfulness)

your hold

your rain

your thunder

You.

Remembering the Cotton Candy

Courtesy of fedupusa.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4-22-07

Pink

Cotton candy memory of nights spent with you,

I can only hold onto it for so long.

The pinkness of first love and kisses

Marching next to Tomorrow of simple white and blue.

 

 

Sweet smiles are temperate;

Sweet kisses, shorter than that.

My hand is grasping, holding, waiting

Yours is just (still) out for something new.

 

 

How long can I wait,

How long can I hold on

For my pink dreams to reappear

And my white and blue to just become true.

 

 

But my dreams look more like memories now

and my fingers stick together

It would’ve been sweet; it would’ve been pink,

It would’ve been could’ve been short breaths and crazy coo ~of you.

 

 

So when do (did) I let go

And say enough’s enough,

Stop this dreamy hope

And decide the pink’ll do.