I Want Community

Courtesy of Kings of Convenience

Courtesy of Kings of Convenience

6-6-07

So I want that–

the album art of Kings of Convenience incarnating itself in my disconnected days.

I want the touch of a person beside me breathing,

creating a place where my day to day gets noticed.

Not independent, but connected, wholly needing, completely wanting just to touch, just knowing someone is there, that we care about more then just our “faith”-which has turned so cold in my arms.

Bring me the blanket of broken relationships, the warm tears of connected imperfection

the incomparable beauty of unconditional acceptance,  the real smile in loving the only way we know how.

–Desiring relationship.

Hoping that a genuine relationship is more than just an old wives tale,

Caring more then just the next laugh, or the comfortable flow of non-confrontational conversation.

I want to touch, I want a crash, I want my pieces to be broken and mixed in with yours.

I think the cuts might heal us both.

Stop my individualistic bullshit, I want community.

 

Mistake

5-24-07

I always tell myself live and learn when I make a mistake.

But am I really learning if I keep making the same mistakes?

 

 

Why do I screw up all my relationships up?

or they screw me up.

 

 

I think I forgot how to sit

-the art of doing nothing.

 

 

Come back to me España,

teach me how to listen, how to breath again.

 

 

I’m so picky about my friends

yet I want to be friend with everyone,

why is that?

Thunder, Rain, and Me

Photo courtesy of Eric Yang (gearpatrol.com).

When I was still in love with Jesus.

5-8-06

Rolling thunder

Turning heart

Tossed up feelings

Growing apart

Lilac rain

Beautiful day

Clouds and lighting

Where do smiles stay?

Half baked laughter

“Did you see what she’s wearing?”

“Oh my gosh Jack and Jill…”

I just can’t care what you’re saying.

Beauty, writing…me

Here I am, content?

Yeah, I think,

maybe.

Here I am,

Just let me be with you.

Here I am

Just let me be me.

Cool wind lick my burning skin.

Tear drops turn into rain,

Cleanse my wondering imagination

Show me where to stop the pain

Show me where I am

..but it’s not that bad

Sometimes I just need a word to rhyme

and the prospects get darker to fill the position.

Methodic, introspective, alone…but not. With you

I’m always with you

You bring the color to my rain drops,

You are the rainbows in my days,

You made the part that no one else sees

You are my sweet smell of rain

The smile of my bright flowers

The love song of my heart.

You let me be me

You understand it all

You show the better ways

You show me the better me

Your words are as sweet as a whisper

I never feel hurt by you; just guided

Just spoken to

Just loved

……just me

happy, contentedly unsatisfied for you, looking, loving:

your smile

your words

your passion

your continuation (faithfulness)

your hold

your rain

your thunder

You.

Remembering the Cotton Candy

Courtesy of fedupusa.org

Courtesy of fedupusa.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4-22-07

Pink

Cotton candy memory of nights spent with you,

I can only hold onto it for so long.

The pinkness of first love and kisses

Marching next to Tomorrow of simple white and blue.

 

 

Sweet smiles are temperate;

Sweet kisses, shorter than that.

My hand is grasping, holding, waiting

Yours is just (still) out for something new.

 

 

How long can I wait,

How long can I hold on

For my pink dreams to reappear

And my white and blue to just become true.

 

 

But my dreams look more like memories now

and my fingers stick together

It would’ve been sweet; it would’ve been pink,

It would’ve been could’ve been short breaths and crazy coo ~of you.

 

 

So when do (did) I let go

And say enough’s enough,

Stop this dreamy hope

And decide the pink’ll do.

The Thought of you

Figuring it all out.

4-6-07

Loneliness

My motivation for so much more than I want it to be.

I’m independent, yeah.  But when I sit and my date won’t answer her phone all I think are crazy thoughts.  My desire for you, for someone, for anyone drives me to be desperate.  And believe me that’s the last thing I ever want.

My cool calm plan is blown out the window because I just want you to love me, and I always think you might not.  I want to be cherished, to be wanted not needed…but isn’t this just me, needing you.

It’s not you actually.  Don’t get confused.  I mean I like you, But I want you to be there for me.  To rub my feet; kiss my sweetly, but not long.  Hold my hand and smile at me. Bring me coffee in the morning.  Surprise me.  I just want you.

And right now that shape takes a form but you know I don’t expect you to be this.  It’s just this desire inside me and I can’t pretend it’s not there and since you fill my shape I might get you confused with my you sometimes.  I don’t mean to, but I think I do want to.

So I sit alone in my room and I just want you to call; but I don’t, cause you’re not him.  But I do….because I guess you are.

And this sudo name of “casual” is new for me, but I like it, love it in fact.  It’s just hard to get used to and “a girl’s gotta dream,” right?Image

In This

Photo by _urbanizr. Some rights reserved.

Photo by _urbanizr. Some rights reserved.

4-2-07

It’s in these moments that I live,

When life is so real that all I can do is breath.

In and out, in and out.

When my heart aches too much to speak.

When my best friend can only cry over the phone.

When I like you, and our lips touch…

When I smile, because no one is watching .

When I can dream about perfect, because it definitely is not.

My eyes shut and I am alive.

Breathing in, breathing out.

(Maybe that’s why we like kissing so much

Because our mouths are stopped and all we can do is breath.)

It’s in these moments that I live,

When the breaths are all I can think of.