My motivation for so much more than I want it to be.
I’m independent, yeah. But when I sit and my date won’t answer her phone all I think are crazy thoughts. My desire for you, for someone, for anyone drives me to be desperate. And believe me that’s the last thing I ever want.
My cool calm plan is blown out the window because I just want you to love me, and I always think you might not. I want to be cherished, to be wanted not needed…but isn’t this just me, needing you.
It’s not you actually. Don’t get confused. I mean I like you, But I want you to be there for me. To rub my feet; kiss my sweetly, but not long. Hold my hand and smile at me. Bring me coffee in the morning. Surprise me. I just want you.
And right now that shape takes a form but you know I don’t expect you to be this. It’s just this desire inside me and I can’t pretend it’s not there and since you fill my shape I might get you confused with my you sometimes. I don’t mean to, but I think I do want to.
So I sit alone in my room and I just want you to call; but I don’t, cause you’re not him. But I do….because I guess you are.
And this sudo name of “casual” is new for me, but I like it, love it in fact. It’s just hard to get used to and “a girl’s gotta dream,” right?
Remembering when I liked my dreams better than reality? …Sometimes I still do.
So I kissed a boy in the rain today.
For some reason the thought was so much better than the actual carrying out.
So why is it that we dream? We imagine this ridiculously romanticized situation and we want it to happen.
I guess I might dream it up because it can happen, I can kiss a boy in the rain and it would be wonderful right. But then when I get to the actual doing it’s never the same. I mean it’s nice it’s just not “perfect;” its just not fairy tale feelings and perfect conversation. It’s awkward and off time and I’m actually getting kinda cold.
So maybe I dream it just because it can never really happen. I will never have a perfect moment. As beautiful and spontaneous and crazy as life can be, that scene in my head is just impossible; and I think that’s why I love it so much.
If we could really live out our dreams then what would be the point of having them. If perfect-cute-wonderful really is going to literally sweep me off my feet then why should I dream about it? I would just go do it, right?
So I didn’t kiss a boy in the rain…I just dreamed about it.
And my crazy thought of realization is that that might’ve just been better.