I Want Community

Courtesy of Kings of Convenience

Courtesy of Kings of Convenience

6-6-07

So I want that–

the album art of Kings of Convenience incarnating itself in my disconnected days.

I want the touch of a person beside me breathing,

creating a place where my day to day gets noticed.

Not independent, but connected, wholly needing, completely wanting just to touch, just knowing someone is there, that we care about more then just our “faith”-which has turned so cold in my arms.

Bring me the blanket of broken relationships, the warm tears of connected imperfection

the incomparable beauty of unconditional acceptance,  the real smile in loving the only way we know how.

–Desiring relationship.

Hoping that a genuine relationship is more than just an old wives tale,

Caring more then just the next laugh, or the comfortable flow of non-confrontational conversation.

I want to touch, I want a crash, I want my pieces to be broken and mixed in with yours.

I think the cuts might heal us both.

Stop my individualistic bullshit, I want community.

 

Thunder, Rain, and Me

Photo courtesy of Eric Yang (gearpatrol.com).

When I was still in love with Jesus.

5-8-06

Rolling thunder

Turning heart

Tossed up feelings

Growing apart

Lilac rain

Beautiful day

Clouds and lighting

Where do smiles stay?

Half baked laughter

“Did you see what she’s wearing?”

“Oh my gosh Jack and Jill…”

I just can’t care what you’re saying.

Beauty, writing…me

Here I am, content?

Yeah, I think,

maybe.

Here I am,

Just let me be with you.

Here I am

Just let me be me.

Cool wind lick my burning skin.

Tear drops turn into rain,

Cleanse my wondering imagination

Show me where to stop the pain

Show me where I am

..but it’s not that bad

Sometimes I just need a word to rhyme

and the prospects get darker to fill the position.

Methodic, introspective, alone…but not. With you

I’m always with you

You bring the color to my rain drops,

You are the rainbows in my days,

You made the part that no one else sees

You are my sweet smell of rain

The smile of my bright flowers

The love song of my heart.

You let me be me

You understand it all

You show the better ways

You show me the better me

Your words are as sweet as a whisper

I never feel hurt by you; just guided

Just spoken to

Just loved

……just me

happy, contentedly unsatisfied for you, looking, loving:

your smile

your words

your passion

your continuation (faithfulness)

your hold

your rain

your thunder

You.

sin

Thoughts from someone who had previously been convinced what to think:

2-13-07

How come we can’t not sin?  We have to sin.

I mean if God created us to be with him, doesn’t that mean that he failed.

I mean why is sin so powerful?

I finally understand what it is, but it just doesn’t make sense otherwise

It all doesn’t make sense anymore.

I want it to…

whats the deal

12-27-06

So God whats the deal?

I feel like I’m getting screwed here and I don’t really know why

I’ve just had this string of bad shit happen to me, and I don’t get it

I don’t even get you sometimes

But its not you, its this weird culture

It’s the Christian ease that sticks to me when I wade through it all the time

It’s the judging and imagery and just everything I hate about “Christianity”

I feel like we’re almost as bad as the Catholics in Spain

We’ve made ourselves so many verbal relics that we don’t know we’re worshiping culture; we are following a stigma of Christian protocol, not Jesus.

So where does that lead me?

Does this Jesus figure that I’ve seen painted all over Europe really be acting in my life?

Can someone that’s been used for so many crimes still hold hope?

I want to think so, but I wont believe in a fairy tale either.

If so many people, a whole culture, are fine without him, then what can that mean.

I don’t really want to have these questions, but I just cant lip sink my life to a Carmen song anymore.

God I dont want to doubt you.  I really do love you, I know you exist.  I just think I’ve lost my faith in American Christian culture, or maybe even in Christianity; and I don’t really know what to do about it.  But I still love you Jesus…maybe even more then before.  Cause this time its not to be a better Christian, to impress somebody else, or to follow along and not rock the boat.

Spain, just look at what you’ve done to me.